Saturday, March 07, 2009

Proof That God Is Not Omniscient (If Any Was Needed)!

Hi fools flock,

This is God speaking.

I just want you to know that I care and that I'm listening.

Unfortunately the power of prayer is unreliable, which is why I have opened up a new telephone hotline to enable you imbeciles to call me with your petty important issues that you want me to deal with.

The number to call from the UK is (00)31 644 244901, but callers from other countries will have to consult their international dialling code booklet for the appropriate prefix for The Netherlands where my trans-galactic office is situated for the moment (why should I have to do everything for you, you lazy sods).

Unfortunately, due to the pressure of work, I am not able to to take your calls personally, but you will hear a recording which states:
"This is the voice of God, I am not able to speak to you at the moment, but please leave a message."(but see footnote)
Some detractors and evil-minded atheist scum have proclaimed that the fact that I am unable to deal with everyone's telephone calls simultaneously proves that I am not omniscient, but that is to misunderstand what is meant by that term.The fact of the matter is that I chooses to limit my omniscience in order to preserve the freewill and dignity of my loonie believers creatures, as many modern theologians, such as John Polkinghorne will stupidly cheerfully attest.

Actually, truth be told, I'm not God, and it isn't my answer phone, though the number is real and does work (try it and see you mugs unbelievers).

In fact, the whole thing is the idea of Dutch artist Johan van der Dong of Grijpskerk in the Netherlands. Johan wants God to be reachable by everyone so people can leave Him messages. Meanwhile, Johan's psychiatrist, Aldo Van Sprinklees, has gone on record as saying that he is responding well to his new medication and that he should soon be fit for discharge from the secure unit where he is currently residing.

According to the BBC, critics say the project mocks those with religious beliefs.

As if such a thing was ever likely to happen.

Guffaw.

Footnote:

Unfortunately God is monoglottal, so this message is delivered only in Dutch, therefore, unless one speaks that rather unmellifluous language, one will have to take this writer's word for the translation into a civilised tongue.

6 comments:

Hugo said...

HEY! Nederlands kan heel vloeiend, rijk en zoet zijn!
I'm offended at your disrespect of my native language and will be organizing protests to burn your blog and will be demanding your beheading be done by multiple papercuts from a dutch dictionary while chants of our lovely ... oh wait you're talking about the dutch they speak in the Netherlands, I don't care about them, they do not speak the real "true dutch" that we Belgians (well a bit more than half of us anyway) proudly speak

The Merchant of Menace said...

Hugo,

Forgive me for my unintentional slight on the real Dutch as spoken in Belgium by good people like yourself rather than that unpleasant ersatz copy that they insist on speaking in The Netherlands. Mind you, who can have any respect for a nation that insists on pouring 'sprinklies' (chocolate vermicelli for those unaware of the colloquial Dutch name for that product) over just about everything they eat or drink.

Long live Stella Artois! ;-)

Hugo said...

You have been redeemed, 't was the Stella that clinched it ;)

The Merchant of Menace said...

And here's raising a glass of that fine product to you, Hugo. ;-)

I AM said...

It's come the scientific evidence that you all wanted. check out www.psychotheology.org and leave a comment I will answer.
Can you respond! No more will I leave the battle to those using just faith as their primary weapon. I will give it to all of you straight. If you fancy the dual look into the site. God has is here, come and have a look.

The Merchant of Menace said...

Hmmm, seems that 'I Am' is just another religious nutter, but what a pity that it was only today that I found he/she/it had sneaked an unintelligible comment into my thread. Still, I'll leave it there, for it does more to expose what nutjobs these religious phoneys are than reams of finely argued logic.